Ep. 71 – Tali, Age 11: Is she a friend or not?

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Here’s today’s question:

My name is Tali. I'm 11 years old. Sometimes people act nice to me, but are also mean. Are they my friend or not?

Hi, Tali. Thanks for sending in your question! It’s confusing when someone acts in both friendly and unfriendly ways!

You want to know–yes-or-no–is this person your friend? But it’s more useful to think about having different kinds of friends. Friends can differ on when you see them, what you do with them, and how close you are to them. If there’s some degree of liking and enjoying each other’s company, then it could be a friendship, but a close friendship requires more than that. In a close friendship, you know each other well, trust each other, and care for each other.

Now, everybody makes mistakes sometimes. Maybe your friend didn’t realize something bothered you, or in the heat of the moment, she said or did something less-than-kind. Maybe she was upset about something you did and just lashed out instead of explaining the problem!

If the unkind actions are not that bad, and they don’t happen often, and especially if they’re part of a misunderstanding or temporary conflict…well, that’s probably something you and your friend can work out with good communication.

Tell her what bothers you and ask for what you’d like her to do from now on. And, be ready to listen to her point of view, so you can both move forward in kind ways.

But sometimes, mean behavior isn’t just a brief bump in the road of your friendship. Some people act like what I call Hot-and-Cold Friends. When they’re running hot, they can be so much fun, and it feels great to be around them! But when they’re running cold… Oof! They can be very mean.

Hot-and-Cold Friends can be exciting and entertaining. They may also be popular, so kids want to be around them. But they’re unpredictable. You don’t know what you’re going to get when you’re with them.

Close friends don’t run hot and cold. They’re steady warm. In a caring friendship, you feel safe and secure. You don’t have to worry about what your friend might do because you can count on them to be kind.

So, I recommend that you focus on being with Steady-Warm Friends. And also try to be a Steady-Warm friend yourself!

If you decide to spend time with a Hot-and-Cold Friend–maybe because your other friends are hanging out with them–then you need to be ready to take care of yourself. Here’s what I mean: Go ahead and enjoy that friend’s company when they’re being kind and fun. But if they shift to doing something unkind, say something!

You could say, “This isn’t fun for me” or “I don’t like it when you do that.” If the friend stops doing whatever it is, great! Keep playing. If they don’t stop, walk away and hang out with someone else for a while. You can try again with that friend another day, if you want. Over time, this can help the friend learn what you will or won’t put up with.

But what if the Hot-and-Cold Friend starts being mean all the time? Well, then they’re really not a friend anymore. This can be a complicated situation if your other friends still like hanging out with this person. That’s their choice, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to spend time with someone who is consistently mean to you.

We all deserve to spend our time with people who are kind to us. I hope that’s what you’ll choose!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.

You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.