Ep. 70 – Owen, Age 8: Knowing when and how to stop

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Here’s today’s question:

Hi, my name’s Owen. I am 8-years old. How do I get better at using Stop Signals with my friends?

Hi, Owen. I’m so glad you sent in this question! You may have noticed that, in pretty much every episode, I encourage kids to imagine how the other person is feeling. This is called perspective-taking, and it’s very important for building and keeping strong and caring friendships.

But here’s the problem: We’re never going to be perfect about imagining someone else’s perspective because we’re not them. That’s why good communication is so important in friendships. Stop Signals are a great example of that.

Now there are two sides to Stop Signals: receiving them and sending them.

Receiving stop signals means paying attention and responding when our friends tell us to stop doing something. If we ignore a Stop Signal, that’s like telling a friend, “I don’t care how you feel or what you want! I’m just going to do what I want, even if you don’t like it!” Yikes! How do you think that message would make a friend feel? Not so good!

So, Step 1 for receiving Stop Signals is to recognize how important they are.

Step 2 is to notice Stop Signals when they happen. You may want to make a list of possible examples. This includes statements like “Stop it!” “Cut it out!” or “You’re being annoying!”

But sometimes, Stop Signals don’t involve words. You might see a friend roll their eyes, frown and cross their arms to show they’re annoyed, or make an exasperated sound like “Tsk. Sigh.” Nonverbal Stop Signals can be harder to notice than verbal ones, but they’re still very important.

Step 3 is, when you see or hear a Stop Signal, you need to stop. That shows caring for your friend and just plain politeness.

Now, some kids have a hard time stopping. If that’s you, you could try doing something to block the annoying action. Maybe try sitting on your hands, or crossing your legs, or closing your mouth and pretending your tongue is stuck to the roof of your mouth, like this. You could also say, “OK, I’ll stop now.” That tells your friend that you’ve heard the Stop Signal and you’re working on it. It also gives you a couple of extra seconds to reign things in.

Okay, so what about sending Stop Signals? The key here is to be clear and direct, but never mean.

Start with the word “I” to explain what you’re thinking or feeling, then ask for what you want them to do. So, you could say, “I don’t like it when you call me that. Please use my real name” or “I want to do some of the artwork on our project. How about if we split the coloring, so I do one side and you do the other?”

Notice that there’s no name-calling or accusing someone of being bad or mean or dumb. A Stop Signal isn’t about putting someone down; it’s about explaining what you want and why.

It’s also important to think about when to send a Stop Signal. You don’t want to be constantly correcting your friends. Being on the lookout for every little thing a friend does wrong isn’t kind. So if your friend just did a minor thing you didn’t like, you may want to just let it go and move on.

But if your friend has done something you don’t like more than once, and it’s bothering you a lot, definitely give a clear Stop Signal. Otherwise, you might get madder and madder until your resentment builds up enough to end the friendship. And then your friend would be completely confused about why you’re mad because you didn’t say anything!

Friends can’t read each other’s minds, so sending and receiving Stop Signals helps protect friendships.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.

You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.