Ep. 69 – Phoebe, Age 6: Friends get together without her

Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

My name is Phoebe, and I am 6 years old, and my question is I have two friends at school, and they like to hang out without me. How can I feel included when I feel excluded? 

Hi, Phoebe. Thanks for your question! This is a very common and painful problem! I think anyone who found out that friends are getting together and having fun without them would feel hurt, left out, and maybe also jealous!

I have some questions for you that might help you figure out how to handle this situation.

The most important question is: How do these friends treat you when you’re together? If they’re usually fun and kind, then they’re good friends. Good friends are precious.

My second question is: If you knew that these friends were NEVER going to invite you to their get-togethers, would you still want to be friends with them?

That’s a very uncomfortable question to think about. Of course you want them to invite you, and maybe they will, but if they don’t, is the friendship you have with them at school still worth keeping?

My guess is your answer to that is yes. You don’t want to be the kind of friend who says, “I’ll only be your friend if you do exactly what I want all the time!” or “I’ll only be your friend if you never do anything without me!” Part of being a good friend is being flexible when things don’t go exactly how we want.

If you decide that the friendship is worth keeping even if nothing changes, then you’re in a good place to explore whether you can become closer with these girls. It means you understand that if you become closer, that’s great, but if you stay at your current level of closeness, you’ll be okay.

So, how could you become closer with these girls? Well, maybe you could join an afterschool club or activity that they like, so you have more in common with them.

Instead of waiting to be invited, maybe you could invite them over to your home. This shows you like them and want to get to know them better outside of school.

Maybe, if they mention something they did together without you, you could say, in a friendly, non-pressuring way, “Wow! That sounds fun! I’d love to do that with you sometime!” They may not realize you’d like to be included!

One thing you don’t want to do is get mad or sulk because they got together without you. I know you don’t like it–who would?–but they did nothing wrong. They’re allowed to decide who they want to invite over. Also, they’re more likely to invite you over if you’re pleasant company.

I have one more suggestion for you: Consider adding a fourth friend to the group. Friendship threesomes can be challenging because one person often feels like the odd one out. Adding a fourth friend adds to the fun and decreases the chances of one kid feeling left out.

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.

You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.